Humperdinks – Arlington, TX

For those people looking for a place to grab a beer before or after a Texas Rangers game or after a day at Six Flags, Humperdink’s is right around the corner and a logical choice. This is a pretty big sports bar with a great menu and a full bar. There are five locations in the Dallas/Ft Worth area and all of them get great reviews; however, I cannot in all good conscience recommend the beer sampler. I almost didn’t post this review but a loyal reader told me that the good reviews carry more weight if it doesn’t look like I love every beer that I drink. The sampler is presented on a laminated sheet with a map of Texas on it. It makes me sad to think that any visitor to this state of mine might think that this is representative of our craft brewing culture. Forgive us. Please. 

Juan Moore Light – yuck. And I don’t use that word lightly. After another taste, still yuck. This foreshadows my reaction to the rest of the sampler. Usually, there’s a nod to macro but this is a step down from Coors Light. Seriously. How is that even possible? I finished the 3 oz sample but that doesn’t make me a good person. You remember how you used to try to hide your peas under your napkin when you were a kid? If there would have been a houseplant in the general vicinity, I wouldn’t have dumped this beer into the soil, it was that bad. If there is a Hell, they’re serving this beer.

Texas Blonde – did I say yuck on the last one? Shit. That means I need another word for this one. How do you spell a barfing sound? I’m pretty sure that no matter how good their fish tacos are (it was like fried clam strips in a soft lesbian flour tortilla – they were so delicious); I am never ordering one of their craft beers again. It’s at this point that I started cursing the day the brew master was ever born and the traffic barricades around the stadium that forced me to wait out the traffic jam in this place. I couldn’t finish this one and I didn’t want to go on.

Big Horn Hefeweizen – “Please, oh please will you be my prisoner?” I say as I taste this beer and as ‘Hunger Strike’ plays over the speakers. Surely it can’t get any worse than the last two beers. The gods it would seem favor me. This is at least palatable. It’s got the banana it claims which isn’t my favorite flavor for a wheat but it’s a viable option. They suggest adding a shot of Chambord. You know your beer sucks when you need to cut it with a shot of liqueur. Oh, Dallas, surely you are the sell-out of the Texas brewing industry. There was no head to speak of but at least it was drinkable if not a total hack job of Shiner’s hefe.

Buttface Amber Ale – their flagship beer and I’m betting it tastes like ass. I think I smell pot as I try this and I can’t figure out if that’s because that’s what the beer smells like or if my neighbor at the bar just went outside and burned one in his car. Maybe it’s the ‘Oasis’ playing in the background. Maybe instead of that thing where people see colors in different letters, I smell the drugs the band was using when they were recording the album. Or the beer smells like pot. So, you know how I say that I always love the red? Ladies and gentlemen, we have an exception. This says it’s amber so I can’t technically criticize it for being a bad red but it tastes like a red lager bullied it into being an amber so it wouldn’t shame the other reds in the world. Four down. Two to go. I start making deals with my future self that I will never drink again. As I finish this glass, I think it’s like someone drank a hoppy beer and then spit in this one. I hate this sampler so much.

Big Red IPA – so yuck and shit are taken? Fuck! They claim this is an IPA with ‘wisps of evergreen and spice’ and that’s exactly what I taste! Pine Sap. Take my advice and stick to Greek wine if that’s the taste you crave. It’s like dropping a Wint-o-green Lifesaver into a Miller Lite. But worse than that. You’re thinking, “How can anything be worse than that?!” I know! Do they even know the characteristics of an IPA?! I want to shake the baby of whoever brewed this beer until they promise to never brew beer again.

Disorder Porter – Last one. I’ve come this far but I can’t help but notice that no one around me is ordering the beer they have on tap in this place and they are all looking at me with pity, pointing, and laughing. I think I heard someone shout, “Sucker!” in my general direction. After all that I’ve been through, I’ll at least admit that this is the only beer at Humperdink’s worth trying. Even at that, it’s mediocre at best. Brewing beer for this restaurant is the equivalent of taking your dog to the free puppy training classes at PetsMart. The beers taste like the brew masters take a two-week training course. Maybe. 

What I mean to say is this is an OK place to hang out and the music is awesome if you liked 90s alternative rock (which I did) but don’t come here for the beer. Stick to whatever you can get them to mix at the bar or what they have bottled. They have Arrogant Bastard in a 750ml. My suggestion is to go with that. I was in such a bad mood after this sampler that I came back to the hotel and considered renting porn to salvage the night. Worst. Sampler. Ever.


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One Response to “Humperdinks – Arlington, TX”

  1. Beach Chalet – San Francisco, CA | Hoppy Hoppy Joy Joy Says:

    […] haven’t hated a place this much since Humperdink’s in […]

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